I want to make a layout so. Badly. But I haven't even had the current one up for a month. It seems like time has gone slowly...I'm amazed it's already April. April first hit me like hard synthetic concrete. That was also the day my best friend told me she was going to a boarding school for high school. Of course, that move was super-dumb. She told me this on one of the few days of the year I wasn't going to believe her? Joy. So I'm best-friendless. Friendless. I want a movie/rainyday combo now more than ever.

It's been rainy recently too. It reminds me of the days I would go outside and just dance in it until it went away. I would dress up for those times too -- usually in all black. No wonder the neighborhood kids avoid me...

Ever experienced being so fond and in admiring awe of a person that you just want to be their friend? To be considered their friend, to have their attention. But then, you don't know if they really don't care, or they see things more important than you. I dunno. My selfish ego out to play again, I suppose. I always become afraid that that person won't pay me any attention anymore. The woes of being a child, I think. Adults...When you have a friend as an adult...bah, I wouldn't know, I'm not an adult. I feel like an adult. That's so childish.

I would bet you any day that someone has felt that, regardless of age. It's so human. I guess I just get lonely, and needy. Oh, who cares anyway! I have my music, I have my thoughts, I have paper, pencil, pens. Some of the greatest artists lived lonely lives, I'm sure. I wish I could give names, though maybe I'm just too undereducated. I don't care.

See, I need that kind of attitude. I need to do my thing and ignore everyone. Attract people in that way. I just always feel intimidated...

Feeling lonely (yet again -- big surprise, na?), listening to Joey Fehrenbach on Pandora.com, and drinking Constant Comment ( <33 )

I hate it when my mind gives out in the middle of a conversation. I was talking to my piano teacher today, she was asking me questions about the song I was playing, and I simply couldn't figure out what she was asking me/the answer to her question. I just kind of sat there and stared at her. Dumbly. And even more humiliating is taking fifteen minutes to slowly play a song that is the length of a page. Ugh, talk about taps...

But anyway. Today is cold and rainy and mom decided to make it a movie day. Which is morse, because her movie days are....biz...She made tropical parfaits and popcorn and tea. We're watching documentaries now, but she wants to show me Last of the Mohicans.

If only I had some lemon heads, I'd be happeh. But nuuu~~ Sigh.

I have thoughts in my mind about religion, about religions, about controversy, about my own disappointments with people. To center one's life around religion, or faith, or god, seems like a waste to me. There are so many religions based on tranquility and goodness toward other people. I agree with that completely, human nature should consist of benevolence and peace, but what about all the other emotions? All the other things to experience and enjoy that you can't or won't because of your religion. I might seem sightly prejudice, but being Atheist -ish myself...

I don't believe in any god. I used to believe in magic, wicca. But no religion has stolen my attention so far, and I don't think it ever will. I don't want to seem to cruel toward any one in particular, but I especially dislike the preachy religions, Christianity and its other in particular.

The days of my going to church still haunt me.

I recognize religion help some people in their lives, like a mast. Something to promote stability, spiritually or anything else, but to completely dedicate yourself to something...I suppose that's where faith comes in. And that is where opinion comes in. My faith lies no where. Still wandering, I suppose, repulsed by different attributes of different religions, in admiring awe of others.

This collection of thoughts has been brought to you by a Muhammad documentary.

Listening to cats meowing, feeling creative, drinking tea.

The world is so irrational. I suppose you could just narrow it down to human nature (I don't care if you scoff upon the idea, just allow me to have my theories!) I mean, we always just want, want, want. It the very basis of our society, it's the first thing we think when we're born. We always want things, and the moment you find a person who doesn't want something, I'll become an athletic genius. But when you look at that, you get a good idea of how the world turns.

However, I won't go too far into that subject, too much controversy to bother with.

But people are idiots. People in general.

...I mean, all the prejudices. I may just be acting irrationally and on defense. I remember from long long ago when my family still had DishNetwork and I was alway on the IMF. There was a music video for the band Tokio Hotel and I. Loved. It. So I looked it up, added songs to my playlist. Wanted to show my mom.

Ahem.

She says she's under this belief that German music is typically electronic, and when Germans play punk rock/rock&roll music it's like they're trying to be American. I just made me mad she disapproved of some of my music. I mean, what the morse! That's a one in a million thing. My mom and I are like pb&j. .........I hate pb&j....peanut butter and honey is fine. Sometimes. Meh.

So, not much going on in my life. Blah, blah, more blah. With compy dead, I can't.....erm, do anything. I can write, but I can't attach it to anything. can't graphic-design. Can't get on Gaim. Luckily, I can have an instant yahoo-in-browser thing open. Huzzah for connections!

And the speakers work. That's the best part. I can have music without headphones cutting into my ears. Yaaay~

But enough of that. What's your favorite color?

Feeling decent, listening to Tokio Hotel, and drinking Constant Comment